Brain-Based Parenting:

Helping Your Child to Make Sense of Their Experiences

by Corinne Gnepf, LCMHC, NCC

Each person has a unique view and understanding of herself and of the world. Whether people are generally perceived as good and trustworthy or a source of danger, whether someone feels that he has power to impact his environment or whether he generally feels unimportant and powerless, those beliefs have been shaped by countless experiences over that person’s life. Parents generally hope that their child grows up to be a healthy, capable, loving, and successful person. They have hopes and dreams, and work hard (indeed parenting is not of the faint of heart) to raise their children to the best of their abilities, to protect them from harm, and shield them from disappointment of people. Yet, it is not a secret that children will inevitably face challenges, get hurt physically and emotionally, experience disappointment and even traumatic events and these experiences turn into memories. Because of this, parents have a major opportunity to help, shape, and guide their child’s development and meaning making of himself in the world. By providing their presence, attention, emotional connection and insight into the child’s significant experiences, parents take part in shaping the child’s brain, the way they store memories, and their understanding of themselves and the world. Does that sound scary or too lofty? Nonsensical or unattainable?

START AT BIRTH

The process of integrating memories starts at birth. Young children might not be able to put words to their experience yet, but they have a sense of whether they feel safe or not, if their needs are taken care of or not, and whether they are seen and loved or not. Most people start to have their earliest memories around age 3-5. Memories are a fascinating thing, and are often attached to emotions- filling our chest with warmth, making us lean in for connection, or on the other side can be fuzzy, upsetting, confusing, scary and uncomfortable. Sometimes we cannot recollect a memory clearly, or feel like there is only fog covering an event.

When memories are integrated, it means they make sense to us, there is a timeline of the events, and emotions and body sensations are connected to the thoughts and images of the event. The experience is like a metaphorical picture in a photo album that we can go back to, talk about, and see as a chapter in our book of life. When memories are not integrated, they can feel fuzzy, confusing, partial or maybe hardly there. This can be the result of experiencing too much to process at a given time, and so the brain had to move on to the next event out of necessity to survive. It can also result from traumatizing experiences that were too much for the brain to process with not enough support to sooth, regulate, and feel safe. When the amygdala (the sensing part of the brain that acts like a guard and activates our fight-flight-freeze system) is activated and releases cortisol, its goal is to keep us safe. Frequent release of cortisol interferes with the normal integration from short-term to long-term memories.

CHILDREN NEED YOUR HELP TO MAKE SENSE OF EXPERIENCES

Children need their grown-ups to help them make sense of both pleasant as well as painful and difficult experiences. Adults likely have more knowledge and experiences in a given situation, which helps them to make sense of what took place, and have stronger abilities to regulate their emotions after having been sacred, upset, let down, etc.  A child, however, cannot draw from these resources to that same degree, because her brain has not developed fully yet. The adult might be able to put the unpleasant experience into context, self-sooth and move past the upsetting experience after a while, but the risk for the child to get stuck in the memory of the accident he witnessed, the house fire she experienced, the mob in the street which she saw, or the neighbor who died because of HIV/AIDS, is higher. The risk of getting stuck is higher because the child’s emotional brain and body sensations that accompany such a big experience overtake the reasoning part of the brain. They may not have the insights and words which would help them make sense of what happened. In order to do that, children need the right-brain and the left-brain support from their big people.

In their book ‘The Whole-Brain Child. 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind,’ Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson share their scientific understanding on brain development, and how parenting can positively impact this process if they help their child integrate their experiences through empathy and insights. Since the brain is a very complex organ and neuroscientist are continuing to learn more about it, we will look at a simplified version of how the brain functions to help us understand how parental support helps children integrate memories, and mature to wise and kind human beings. This model consists of the right and left brain, and the downstairs and upstairs brain.

RIGHT BRAIN & LEFT BRAIN

The left hemisphere of the brain functions is linear, linguistic, literal and logical. It can explain, put things in order and assign words to things and experiences. Being in fix-it mode, talking facts and strategies, and giving orders is left-brain heavy. The right hemisphere is nonverbal, non-linear, able to sense emotions and the information from the body, and it can see the whole picture and place things in a context. The right-brain helps to send and receive non-verbal signals such as eye-contact, frowns, and tone of voice. It is intuitive and emotional. Feeling flooded with emotions in response to internal and external situations and being able to empathize with others is right-brain heavy.

THE UPSTAIRS & DOWNSTAIRS BRAIN

Siegel and Bryson use the picture of a two-story house to describe the upstairs and the downstairs brain. “The downstairs brain includes the brain stem and the limbic region, which are located in the lower parts of the brain, from the top of your neck to about the bridge of your nose.” These areas are responsible for basic functions such as breathing, bowel functions, automatic reactions and impulses, and strong emotions. Like the lower level of a house that has a kitchen, bathroom, living room, this area takes care of the basic needs. The upstairs brain is more complex and in charge of thinking, planning, and making smart choices. It can take control over our emotions and body. Like a study or library on the second floor, the upstairs brain provides a wider perspective, and can engage in morality and empathy. When both parts of the brain work together and have a fully functioning staircase the emotions and sensations from downstairs get considered in the upstairs. Then the upstairs can monitor the downstairs experiences and notice what is happening in the body, like nervous lip chewing or that red flushed cheeks signify embarrassment.

Children’s brains are always under construction as they develop. A two-year-old may not be able to stop herself from grabbing the cupcake from the counter when she wants it, but a six-year-old knows the rule and can use the upstairs brain at times to calm the desire from the downstairs brain. During adolescence the brain goes through major remodeling (read Brainstorm by Siegel on this topic). The pre-frontal cortex, which is responsible for personality, decision making and social behavior, is not fully developed until approximately age 25. Understanding that the brain is growing, pruning, and developing through childhood and adolescence is key.

IT STARTS IN EVERYDAY PARENTING

The practice of integrating memories does not start with big events, but in everyday parenting. For example, when the child sees an animal and is scared, instead of saying “There is nothing to be scared of,” which is dismissing the child’s experience, the parent can say, “You felt scared when you saw that dog run towards you. I wonder if the dog was running toward its owner, not towards you? See, the dog is on the leash now and cannot come to you. You are safe now.” This acknowledges the child’s feelings (right-brain) and gives information (left-brain) to help integrate the experience.

TELL A STORY

Siegel and Bryson believe that telling a child the story about a past (or upcoming) event, that triggers anxiety or fear in the child, helps him to walk through this difficult experience. This story can be re-told every time the child is thinking or talking about the event, or when he shows anxiety or fear which seems to have been triggered by the past or upcoming event. If there seems to be lingering or more long-term anxiety connected to an event, the authors suggest creating a story book with photos or drawings that tells the facts (left side brain) and the feelings (right side brain) of the event. The process of storytelling is powerful because it helps the child to make sense of the experience, which leads to an integrated memory.

To prepare a child for an upcoming change, such as a new school, meeting with ministry supporters who the child does not know, or saying goodbye to her best friend, storytelling prepares the child and helps them to master the situation. The story should include what is going to happen from start to end, how the child might feel, and what the child can do to handle it well. “We are going to go to a lot of different people’s houses, and mom and dad will talk about our ministry. You probably will not remember those people and you might feel shy, not feel like talking. That is okay. It’s normal when we meet strangers. You can stay close to us if you want to. We will bring your book, activity pages and a screen so you have something fun to do. If those people have children, you can choose to play with them or read your book. When we are done, we will go on a walk and then get a treat. Then you can tell me how your day was and what you thought about the people we visited.”

INTEGRATING MEMORIES

In order for children to have integrated memories and grow into an emotionally healthier people, parents need to do the hard (and sometimes painful) work of talking with their children about difficult experiences. This has to be done in an age-appropriate way of course. Start with everyday experiences. Address a mean comment from a child on the playground, a scraped knee, when you recently raised your voice because you felt angry, or yet another goodbye that your child has say. Children do not need perfect parents. Your child needs you and you are enough.

Sources

• The Whole-Brain Child. 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind. Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.
• Brainstorm. The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain. Daniel J. Siegel, M.D.