Parenting Together

by Susan Butler, LMFT, LPC

Mark 3:25 – “If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand.”

Parenting can be incredibly rewarding and at the same time the most challenging thing we will ever do. As our children grow and develop, the way we choose to parent plays a significant role in how they mature. One of the hardest things couples can face may be agreeing on how they approach this daunting task.

Where We Come From

We come from different places, different cultures, and frequently come fully loaded with differing opinions on how to raise kids. We naturally fall back to the way we were parented even when we say, “I will never do that or say that to my kids!” and then there it is. The voice of my mom or dad is coming out of my mouth. Under stress, we tend to default to how we were raised. It’s only natural because that way of parenting was imprinted on our brains as a young child. There are no perfect parents. We all have childhood wounds that filter how we see the world, our partner, and our children. Values we may not even know we have surface to the top when kids come into our lives. Unless we spend time talking about and agreeing upon how to raise these beautiful little bundles we have been blessed with it can lead to confusion, instability and potentially foster disrespect for authority figures.

Parenting together is about more than just following the rules, discipline and consequences. It is important that we agree about all aspects of our children’s lives. Whether it is about bedtime, eating habits, homework, sports, playtime, or prayer before dinner we want to think about what we’re teaching our kids about values, beliefs, and how we treat others.  We need to be consistent with what and how we communicate these messages.

What Kids Learn From Our Parenting

Our kids are watching us and absorbing every little thing we do. Babies react to parent’s moods, facial expressions, and tension within their bodies. They read if they are safe and follow parents cues as to how they should feel. Children notice very quickly when parents have conflicting views especially if they argue in front of them. When a child experiences consistency from their parents it creates a secure and stable environment with reduced stress and confusion and an environment where they can grow and flourish. A child needs to know that both parents are working as a team.

When parents are divided and contradicting each other it can lead to:

• Inconsistent Discipline – Different opinions on what should happen when a child misbehaves increases the chance of the behavior repeating.
• Mixed Rules / Mixed Messages – When rules differ between mom and dad,  parents send mixed messages like one being authoritative and the other permissive. It can lead to insecurity and lack of respect and the child may be confused about what to do.
• Manipulation – When a child can argue or persuade a parent into giving in it sets a precedent for manipulation in the future.
• Normalizing Conflict – Arguing in front of a child teaches them that conflict is an acceptable way to resolve differences.
• Disrespect for Authority – When parents fight and argue with each other in front of their children (especially without repair) it can foster disrespect for authority figures.  

Children need boundaries to know that they are safe and secure. They need to know what to expect. Even “strong willed” children will challenge the boundary to know if their parents will keep it in place. Children learn by observing who to ask first, and the one most likely to say yes to their request They figure out how to play one parent against the other. Parents who openly contradict each other in front of their children weaken their credibility and teach their kids that there is always a way around rules and boundaries. This can make a child feel caught in the middle, unsure of who to listen to or what is expected of them. As they grow, they learn how to use parent’s inconsistency to their advantage. They stop taking boundaries seriously because their parents don’t enforce them consistently. This can lead to lack of discipline, defiance, disrespect and the belief that any rules are negotiable.

Favoritism & Emotional Detachment

Isaac and Rebekah are a good example of from scripture. Both picked a favorite son (Esau & Jacob) and shared inconsistent messages toward their children. Eventually, they fell into working them against the other parent’s wishes, resulting in serious consequences for both sons and future generations.

When one parent is seen as the “enforcer” and the other as the “fun parent” a child may start favoring one and resenting the other. This can create emotional distance. When rules are constantly changing children experience anxiety and uncertainty and they may struggle with decision-making and, second-guess authority figures and become unsure of what is acceptable in their world. Children learn that parental decisions can be overridden, and it becomes harder for either parent to enforce discipline. Over time it can shape children’s attitude toward rules, authority and relationships. It can lead to disobedience, entitlement and lack of respect. 

Look at Your Parenting Motivations

But it’s never too late to look at what motivates us to parent the way we do. How we were parented, our personality, life experiences, our beliefs, and our partners all influence how we choose to parent. If we value rule following we tend to be the rule setter—not just to keep their children safe, but to satisfy our own needs. We may have grown up in a permissive environment, so may want to provide a tighter environment. A person may have grown up in a rigid home and want freedom for their children. Maybe they grew up in a home where everything was negotiable, so it feels natural to bargain with their children. There may have been abuse. It is important to explore what our own needs are in parenting before we can figure out what is best for our children. Are you a person who needs to be “liked”, “needed”, or be in charge? Is there competition to be the “best parent”, the most “fun”? Are we trying to gain acceptance by pleasing others, our parents, our church leaders, or our community? Once we examine these areas, together we can decide how to parent our children.

Parents—you can reset together…

The first place to start is just the two of you, alone, and without children present.

• Take time to sit down and discuss what your values are as a family. Where do you differ – beliefs, expectations, roles, discipline, rewards, and consequences. What do you agree on, and what is negotiable?.
• Decide what boundaries you would like to set limits around based on those values. Be careful not to set too many rules, just start with basic age appropriate ones and be consistent. Having too many rules to start off with can lead to frustration for both you and your children. Make sure they are clear, understandable, and doable. The boundary or rule itself needs to state clearly what is expected of the child. In spite of how it may appear, children really don’t like being disobedient! When rules don’t make sense, kids become frustrated, and they won’t comply because they don’t understand or they feel they are unjust.
• Allow your children to have a voice. Listen to your kid’s ideas, let them tell you what they think about the boundary. They may surprise you! Acknowledge what they’re saying without judgment. You, the parents make the final decision, but by giving them a voice, especially about the consequences, you just might get buy-in from them. This is different than negotiating because you are inviting them into the conversation, not arguing for something.
• Be on the same page. Support each other even if you disagree. If something needs to be changed, discuss it behind closed doors together before you talk to your kids. It’s ok to change a decision as long as you present it together as a team. Rules and boundaries sometimes do have exceptions and when presented together, children learn balance between rigidity and chaos. Not everything can be negotiated, and there is a time not to bend, but there is also a time when exceptions are acceptable. Remember parenting is not a competition of who’s right and who’s wrong or who’s the favorite parent. Kids need stability and that comes from consistency.
• Build a weekly check in into your schedule. Setting rules and boundaries is not a one time event. As children grow, boundaries change. Discuss what’s working and what isn’t. What do you need to improve, add, or take out? This is a time to adjust your expectations as parents. Have circumstances, jobs, schools, schedules, responsibilities changed? Is there a need for a little fine tuning? Use this time to settle disagreements between you and your partner. Resentments and unmet expectations can get in the way of consistent parenting. Clear communication is the key to smooth parenting. 

Parenting on the Field

Parenting cross-culturally can bring many challenges, especially if parents are from different cultures. Decisions about discipline, schooling, roles and how much of each parent’s or a host culture to embrace can cause conflict between parents and confusion for children. It is especially important for parents to spend time together talking through differences, expectations, and values and mapping out how they will choose to raise their children.

Things that can help

• Talk with each other, with your children, with other families. Decide together what things you would like to honor about your passport culture(s), other cultures you have lived in and your current culture.
• Stay in touch with family and friends you left behind and those you met along your journey. The missionary life can be very transient for both parent and kids. Tell stories of the good times you have had with friends and family, and the adventures you have had along the way.
• Give your children space to choose for themselves what customs and values they want to carry with them. Give them space to miss the people, places and things left behind.
• Work very hard to remain a team. It’s OK to disagree but work it out behind closed doors and present a united front to your children to build a secure identity as a family.

Children learn, not from what we say, but from what we do and how we do it together. Our children are watching us every day and absorb what they see. They learn how to self-regulate their emotions by watching us. They learn how to manage disagreement and conflicts, how to respect another’s view, work as a team, be responsible and accountable and how to build trust and security all from how this is modeled for them.

We all desire a home built on love, respect, faith, and trust. When we parent together, support each other, and present as a united front we lay the foundation for a child to be confident, secure and able to build healthy relationships in the future.

Psalm 133:1 “How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity.”

Recommended Parenting Books

Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-u=Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive 10th Edition – Daniel J. Siegel M.D., Mary Hartzell

No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind – Daniel J. Siegel M.D., Tina Payne Bryson

The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Wo Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired – Daniel J. Siegel M.D., Tina Payne Bryson

Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain – Daniel J. Siegel