Self Care Means Limits

by Nick Steffen, LMHC

I have heard the term “self-care” thrown around quite a bit during my working life. Sometimes it seems like little more than a way to offload the responsibility of toxic systems onto the individuals hurt by it the most. Other times, I feel the shared frustration as people who deeply care want to empower those who feel increasingly hopeless that things can get better. I hope my reflections here can help to reorient conversation around self-care away from the blame game and make it a little easier to start, because while I appreciate the concerns above, I do think the healthy life needs self-care.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)

Isn’t self-care just an excuse?

To help guide our thinking on this, consider this admittedly simple framework: self-care means making decisions today that make tomorrow a little easier. Self-care does not imply self-indulgence. The term may bring to mind Instagram-worthy spa treatments or inhaling fudge ripple ice cream at the end of a hard day, but the essence of self-care is far more practical. Set yourself up for success. Far from the comically tragic excesses of our sprints on the hedonic treadmill or supporting self-flagellating masochism masquerading as asceticism, self-care properly understood reorients us so that we can be a little more honest with ourselves and each other about what we need each and every day.

“The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty.” (Proverbs 22:3)

We recognize this easily in others. When we see a friend chase an argument with their spouse by drinking themselves into oblivion or sinking into their preferred porn site, we assuredly would not describe this as self-care, but perhaps a way to distract themselves with fantasy or simply disconnect from their internal conflict. We see that coping strategies like these, as with so many, most often leave us stuck and all the more hopeless. Taking care of ourselves can leave us more free, more capable, and more ourselves. But while we’re more likely to recognize these patterns in others, we often aren’t as honest with ourselves.

It just seems so much easier for others…

We’re generally more willing to see our friends’ missteps charitably, e.g. as decisions that probably seemed to make sense in the moment but just contributed to their dysfunction. In other words, they just made a particular choice and can simply try again. But when it comes to our own obstacles, we’re more likely to justify them as impassable (i.e. “this is just who I am” or “it’s not like I had another choice”) or lapse into shaming self-incrimination.

With 1 Corinthians in the back of our mind, we’ve become accustomed to thinking of our bodies as metaphorical temples, but may not recognize the potential ritual and even liturgical implications of honoring God therein. The Temple was not merely a convenient building, but a place to serve, to engage in what must have been rather inconvenient practices that reflect the working presence of God. The guidlines and restrictions we put in place, that frustrate our schedules are not arbitrary duties, but the space wherein we enact God’s working in the world, a presence that is as profoundly embodied as it is socially embedded.

Self-care is our daily liturgy.

In this way, I suggest that self-care may be more helpfully conceived as self-compassionate liturgy. Our bodies, our minds, and our relationships all need rest and exercise, structure and spontaneity, work and play. So we build structures in our lives to make room for what we feel is important or necessary, so we can practice God’s creating love, both internally and externally.

If I start listing off examples of self-care activities, I don’t think you’d be surprised. We all share our needs from our earliest days. You’re not alone in being human. We have the same needs:

• Our bodies need safe environments, quality sleep, movement, water, and nutrition.
• Our minds need room for internal reflection, goal-oriented tasks, and down time.
• Our relationships need space and time to attend to each other and the activities we believe important.

Self-care means attending to each of these facets of ourselves. To put it more simply yet: You have a body, a mind, relationships. They need to be maintained. Do what you can.

The hardest thing about self-care is generally not the particular actions themselves. We know we should eat right, connect with our friends, spend a little longer finishing up that project today so we don’t keep thinking about it all night. So what can help us do it better? I’m going to suggestion a three step process for this.

1. Be curious. Reflect on what you need right now.
2. Consider how a compassionate friend or someone who has cared deeply about you might suggest you address that need.
3. Experiment. Try something, see if it works, and then try something else.

I have written before about a self-reflection exercise designed to help with # 1 and our other counselors have offered others teammates have shared more about # 2. Now, I’d like to introduce you to a practice that I believe may help with # 3, a practice known as Bullet Journaling, designed by Ryder Carroll.

• Wheel of Awareness – 20 minute mindfulness video
• Processing through Art – an art therapy exercise video
• Self-Compassion: Helpful for a Christian? – article
• Mindfulness as a Christian – webinar

What you do really matters. Track it and give time to reflect.

Among its many other contributions to our modern worldview, the scientific method has reminded us that it’s not good enough to have good ideas. We need to verify them by trying them out, trying to measure in some consistent way how they work and how they don’t, then (in an act of humility and honesty) refining our idea and testing it again. The genius of it isn’t the fancy terminology or intellectual machinery, but the insight that more clearly understanding the flaws in our own ideas can help prepare the way for better ideas.

At the beginning of each year, loads of us set out some vision or plan for change, casting wishes into the void, hoping that merely saying them confidently will make them happen. As we know, most of these attempts fail. But the problem isn’t failure. The problem is we give up too soon. The most highly suggested diet plan, the workout routine that has so many likes, the plan to effectively build new friendships, the desire to get along better with our spouse, etc. They’re not helpful if they don’t work. And once we notice what’s working and what is not, we can shift our behavior accordingly.

Bullet journaling is one technique that has helped me with this.

When I first learned the term Bullet Journaling, I tried searching online and found myself lost among a jungle of beautiful art projects that albeit impressive seemed overwhelming. I just wanted to see what it was. Fortunately, videos from the original creator were far more helpful for my purposes and I definitely recommend his work on this topic and would like to offer my understanding of how it could be used to support self-care.

“Bullet Journaling is a mindfulness practice disguised as a productivity method.” -Ryder Carroll

In the video resource attached to this, I have tried to give an short introduction to Bullet Journaling and offer some ideas of how it can be used to practice self-care in a healthy way.

The Bullet Journal method is built on two practices:

1. First, write what happens.
2. Afterward, reflect on what you wrote.

The deceptive simplicity of the method turns out to be its biggest strength. It does not require the time and energy that long-form journaling often does (although it can certainly accommodate it) and reminds us of the oft forgotten second step: read and reflect on what you wrote. You are writing down what you are doing, intending, thinking, feeling because those things are important, important enough to return to them later so they can inform what you do next.

Write down what is important.

Open a notebook. Write the date at the top of a page. Then write down what’s happening through your day. You can use bullet points to track them.

How are you feeling today? Tired and a little lonely? What might be contributing to that? Perhaps work has been consuming your attention this week and you are feeling more and more disconnected from others. What’s something you could do to help with that a little? Maybe we could try calling a friend? So now our journal might look like this.

= Sad, little lonely
      — Work has been crazy, need more people time
            ∙ Message bff this morning and schedule a time to talk

Try to describe it in a single line if possible. If it needs more, mark it to expound on later. The goal here isn’t to spend increasing amounts of time in the paper, but to give you what you need so you can reflect back later.

Reflect on what you wrote down.

At the end of the day, look back at what you did. What went well? What didn’t? What do you need tomorrow? If you see that you didn’t do what you wanted, consider why not. Was it really not as important as you thought? If it was, then how can you make sure that you get to it tomorrow. Remember, the goal of this process is not that you are fitting anyone else’s intentions for you. The goal is that your can prioritize your own intentions.

At the end of the day, look back through the entries from the week. What worked? What didn’t? What do you need this week?

The constraints of this process are precisely what directs it towards what you find helpful. If you try this approach and find it doesn’t work, then consider what didn’t work for you and ways that you can adjust your approach so it can. Remember the deeper meaning here: the technique is not magic, but your willingness to humbly and carefully reflect, with self-compassion consider what you could try, and to try again is. Invest your energy in what you believe is valuable.