Window of Tolerance

by Corinne Gnepf, LCMHC, NCC

Have you ever wondered why a person (child, teenager or adult) reacted in a way that made no sense to you, or that seemed like it came out of nowhere without warning? Or why the reaction was much more intense than usual? People all around us react in “irrational” ways. Chances are that you yourself might have been that “irrational” person once or twice.  When we take the time to reflect on the series of events that took place before the reaction, we usually can draw some connections and understand what was leading up to the “flip of the lid” or the “retreating into a shell”. Sometimes the cause of the behavior remains a mystery. Whether you are a parent, a friend, a spouse, or have children or  teammates, you likely are familiar with others’ patterns of reactions when they are stressed, in physical or emotional pain, or feel unsafe. Behavior like irritability, short and sharp answers, passive-aggressive behavior, angry outbursts, overly friendly or helpful behavior, aloofness, shut down, whininess, etc. are just a few examples of the behaviors humans do when they are outside their window of tolerance (WOT). In relationship to self and others, it is quite helpful to understand one’s own WOT as well as that of the people closest to us, and learn how to increase our windows, or help others increase theirs.

The window of tolerance refers to a state of being in which a person feels safe, relaxed, and connected to the world around herself and to other people. For some people this window of tolerance is broad, and for others it can be quite narrow. Age, developmental stages, experiences, resilience, love and care received, or the absence thereof, instability, trauma adverse life experiences, and more, in combination with a person’s personality, result in many different sizes of windows of tolerance.

Source: https://www.nicabm.com/trauma-how-to-help-your-clients-understand-their-window-of-tolerance/  

The human body has several nervous systems. One is the central nervous system which is made up of the brain and spinal cord. Another one is the peripheral nervous system which is involved in moving our skeletal muscles. Then we have the autonomic nervous system whose job it is to keep our body in homeostasis (a state of equilibrium maintained by self-regulating processes). The autonomic nervous system regulates the internal organs, such as the blood vessels, the bladder, sweat glands, heart rate, etc. It cannot be controlled by our will, as it responds automatically to our perception of safety and threat and results in actions depending on the reading of our surroundings. Dr. Stephen Porges named this process neuroception, and its purpose is to keep us safe. Neuroception constantly scans our external environment, our internal environment (inside the body, for example for hunger, pain, discomfort, warmth/cold), as well as our interactions and sense of relationships with other people. This all happens outside of our awareness because it does not use the thinking part of the brain. Based on the perceived threat, the autonomic nervous system can be activated, at which time we see behavior that can be organized in three kind of responses: Sympathetic state, ventral vagal state and dorsal vagal state. These three states/terms stem from Polyvagal Theory.

BREAKING IT DOWN

In order to make this a little easier to understand and differentiate between the three nervous states, we are going to call them pathways and give them a color (borrowed from Dr. Mona Delahooke).

The chart below provides an overview over the three pathways (states of the autonomic nervous system), what they feel like and what physical experience may accompany that state (adapted from Delahooke (2022) and Kolber (2020). This is a simplified and shortened list and by no means exclusive.

When we are within our window of tolerance (green pathway) we are in our best state of being and most pleasant for others to be around for obvious reasons. In the red pathway people may behave aggressively, energetically, loudly and intensely. Or they may become overly attentive and accommodating to appease and calm the person they perceive as dangerous. On the blue pathway, people disconnect, withdraw, slow down or shut down. Whether child, teenager or adult, all people move in and out of all these stages, but some have a tendency to be more on the blue pathway or the red pathways when they are out of the WOT, and less on the other. All pathways are normal parts of our existence and we go in and out of these states throughout the day, therefore it is not helpful to call the green one “good” and the others “bad”.

Window of Tolerance and Trauma

If a person has experienced trauma, their WOT tends to be narrower than someone’s who has not experienced trauma. Especially prolonged and/or recurrent traumatic experiences in childhood can significantly impact a person’s window of tolerance, their ability to be in, or return to, the green pathway. Their neuroception may lead a person to live in continuous fight/flight/fawn (sympathetic activation) whenever there is a perception of danger, or they may shut down (dorsal vagal immobilization) in the blink of an eye upon hearing, for example, a certain tone of voice or noting a facial expression. The hyperawareness of people who have experienced trauma makes it really difficult to relax, engage with others and the world around them with openness and curiosity. If this reminds you of someone you care about or if this is you, then talking to a mental health professional may be the next step towards understanding that specific window of tolerance and how trauma has impacted the way of being. Be kind and compassionate with hurting people.

Expanding the Window of Tolerance

When we are at the edge of our WOT or even out of it, the best we can do for ourselves, and those in our lives, is to find ways to come back to it. We can work on understanding our limits, recognize when we are not in the window of tolerance anymore, or when we are on the way out of it. When that is the case, we can regulate and practice what helps us to return to the green pathway (see the questions below). The more we know about our own WOT, our limits and triggers which send us to the red or blue pathway, the quicker and more successfully we can intervene. This helps us to then slowly and mindfully work on increasing the limits of the WOT. The broader the green pathway is, the more present, stable, connected, strong, calm, etc. we are. In this state we can work and learn better, and are less reactive in our responses, even to difficult circumstances. Expanding the WOT is not easy and it requires practice and gentleness with self, but it is possible.

START WITH NOTICING

No matter where you are coming from, here are just a few pointers and areas to explore to get you started as you begin to identify helpful ways of returning to the green pathway:

• A good cardio-workout might help to return to the WOT after an intense meeting or a frustrating argument with your teenager.
• A Body Shake just takes 10 minutes and helps to regulate. VIDEO HERE
• Do you need to spend extra time in prayer to get distance from your worries and move to action on that which you can control (moving from the blue pathway toward the green one)?
• Would spending more time with your spouse/friend/child/… help you to feel more connected and understood?
• Could you use more kindness and reduced self-judgement when the inner critic shouts at you?
• Do you need regular times without noise?
• Are you more irritable because you are hungry (“hangry”) and need to eat something?
• Drinking a glass of water may help to clear some of the brain fog.
• Do you need to take a deep breath first before you respond?
• Are you working too many hours and need to prioritize rest, sleep and vacation more?
• Practice deep breathing. Research has shown that breathing out longer than breathing in signals to our nervous system that we are safe. Slow and deep breathing (i.e 4-5-6 breathing: breathing in for 4 seconds, holding it for 5s and breathing out for 6s, repeat).
  Find additional video resources from our team for deep breathing here: https://youtu.be/MshckmAJrok
• Use a breath prayer (for example inhale through the nose with “YAH” for three seconds, exhale with “WEH” through the mouth for six seconds) to anchor yourself in the name of God. These last two points are simple ways to work on expanding the window of tolerance.
  Try this breath prayer video from our staff here: https://vimeo.com/872501371
• Pay attention to your body experiences. What sensations do you notice on each of the three pathways? They are valuable indicators about your unique way of being in and outside your window of tolerance.

Be curious, kind and gentle with yourself as you explore your window of tolerance. God knows your story, your hurts, your frustration, and how you might feel stuck in behavior that is not helpful. You are seen by him. There is hope for healing and growth.

Bibliography

Delahooke, Mona, PhD. Parenting: Brain-Body Parenting. How to Stop Managing Behavior and Start Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids. 2022.

Kolber, Aundi, MA, LPC. Try Softer. A Fresh Approach to Move Us out of the Anxiety, Stress, and Survival Mode- and into a Life of Connection and Joy. 2020.

Muller, Robert T., PhD. Polyvagal Theory: An Approach to Understanding Trauma. Accessed April 10, 2025.

ADDITIONAL RESOURCE:

Breathing Exercises (or breathwork) consists of a variety of practices to control your breathing – often to promote relaxation, reduce stress, and enhance your physical and emotional well-being. For a simple tool, it can have a profound impact on your stress management and well being, both in response to a specific sensation or stressor, and as a regular practice that can impact your overall health in the long-term.

This handout includes a few different breathing exercises that you can easily learn and practice in just about any circumstance. All of these exercises are geared towards calming and relaxation, regulation, and overall wellbeing. Try each of them and see which exercise feels best for you; perhaps different ones will feel better or more effective at different times.